Why I do it (Be the next you Part 1 Chapter 1)

Well things have been quiet here at Patzer’s corner lately.  First holiday stuff was sucking up my time, then the computer died and a host of other real life things happened.  Well I’m back and ready to rock and roll.  First off you will notice a new look to the site.  New year, new look!  I will be updating the header once I get a suitable picture to put up there. 

Now chessloser can rest easy as my 8 part epic post that he alluded to in the comments a few posts ago has finally started.  I don’t know why but apparently he has convinced himself that I know what I’m talking about.  Admittedly from time to time a nugget of truth may slip out but I assure it is completely accidental and random.  Whatever I have said or done to earn his trust I am grateful, for I am flattered that he visits here often and always has such nice words to say about me.

Ok, no more bullshitting on to the post.

As previously mentioned things have been pretty quiet here at the corner lately, but not so much in my head.  If I am not playing chess, I am studying it, if I am not studying it, I am thinking about playing, if I’m not doing that, I am thinking about studying it.  There is very rarely a second that chess is not on my mind. 

Of course this begs one to ask the question “WHY!”  Why do I spend so much time obessing about a game?  I have come to the sad conclusion that I don’t have a hobby, I have an obession.  Although not completely unhealthy, it is a little odd, a grown man in his mid thirties spending so much time on a game. 

I shuffle myself off to tournaments on early Saturday mornings with so much hope.  I play primarily against children who are young enough to be mine, and get my feelings hurt.  At the end of the ordeal I have played poorly, spent an entire saturday playing lousy chess, and have nothing to show for it other than being exhausted; ridiculous considering I’ve been sitting all day.  To top things off I have paid for this privilige!

I have been thinking lately that to come to grips with this “hobby” it would help to start at the beginning.  Chessloser has an outstanding post here which captures my early flirtations with the game far more eloquently than I could hope to myself.  Once you are done reading that come back…

So time for some personal digging…

I have mentioned before that I was a Nuclear operator in the Navy.  This training was very difficult.  Especially for me, since I had dodged Calculus in H.S. and stopped my science education at chemistry, seeing no need for physics (hey, when the hell are you going to use all of that shit anyway?).  Needless to say Navy Nuclear Power School was not fun times for me.  I struggled… ALOT.  40 hours of class a week and since I was a rock I studied for another 35 hours a week, for 6 months.  All of that effort got me a whopping 2.88 average!  WOOHOO, I was actually a few steps from mediocre, but I made it.

See there were 24 guys in my boot camp company that were all supposed to be nukes.  I say supposed because after the two years of training only 6 of us made it to the fleet as nukes.  Not exactly a stellar attrition rate. 

But I got to the fleet and became an excellent mechanic (mechanic is Navy jargon for a nuclear grade plumber).  I could bore you with awards and stuff but let’s just take my word for it. What I learned from this long adventure that almost anything is possible with enough hard work, and dedication.  I have always had a good capacity for learning, but I’ve never been one to just “get” things; at least in science and math, I have to work for it.

Well fine at least I see where the stubbornness comes in.  My experiences as a young man have taught me not to quit.  So, at least that part of the equation is taken care of.  Why despite having my feelings hurt time and again by little kids, I keep coming back for more and more punishment.

But why chess?  What drew me to this game in the first place?  Why didn’t I take up poker, or backgammon, or jacks?  This isn’t quite as simple. 

I like science and due to my career choice, logic and reasoning played a large role in my everyday duties.  There isn’t much room for creativity in an engineroom, there is a certain way to do things, and things get done. 

Chess at it’s surface seems simple.  Two armies square off, armies of equal strength, on a level playing field, they operate by the same rules.  The only difference is that since one side moves first, it has a slight advantage.  So by that logic if any army has claim to win every time or at least a right to win it should be white.  White moves first so s/he should be able to dictate the early flow of the struggle. Simple enough right? 

Ah, but as we all know it’s not that simple…There are general principles that guide play, but no steadfast rules.  Apparently it is not knowing the rules that is difficult, it’s knowing when to ignore them that is hard. 

And this is where the obsession comes in.  I am a smart guy, maybe not the smartest in the room when it comes math but I can hold my own.  I know that when I put a lot of effort into something I am rewarded.  But this chess is a different beast altogether.  I study, I improve a little, then I suffer a big setback, then I study some more, make marginal gains, then slip again.  What the hell is going on here?

And that ladies and gentlemen is the whole point.  I don’t know what the hell is going on.  This simple game, seemingly ruled by logic and calculation is far more than what it seems.   

This is what hooked me in the first place.  No matter how much I learn it only highlights how little I know.  It seems that I should have been rewarded with a much higher rating by this time.  I should be competing for national championships and tearing up hotel rooms with chessloser as the Hardcore Bad Boyz of Chess (HBBC), with a bevvy of exotic chics clammoring to get onto our tour bus. (Yes, we would have a tour bus, and of course there would be much drinking and frivolity and other nefarious acts taking place on said bus)  But instead my rating is firmly planted at 1380.  I am a “strong” class D player.  By my reckoning once again a few steps from being mediocre. 

But it is this ludicrous learning curve, the seemingly endless possibilites that has me hooked.  The game seems scientific, but it can’t be, there are just too many posibilities, too many permutations, too many ways to get the “correct” answer to be a science.  I’m telling you Physics isn’t this frikin’ hard.

The endless possibilities has me hooked, I have a fever and the only prescription is …more cowbell! Chess!

Then I get to thinking that this may be the reason many of you out there obsess about the game as well.  Above average intellegence, success at things you work at, yet you don’t quite get the same results with chess. 

We all blog or lurk blogs as a sort of support group.  A bunch of sad twisted addicts not necessarily interested in going to rehab or getting clean, just searching out some rationaliztion that what we are doing is not so out of the ordinary.  In this way we see that others are suffering just as we are and that maybe, it’s ok. 

I think it is, (hey what the hell did you think I would say?) but I have come to the conclustion that before I get any better or regain some sense of sanity I have to define what this game is to me, even if its in very loose parameters.   

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Chapter 2 will follow soon.  However there is a slight problem.  The little piece of paper I originally jotted my notes down on is well…not around.  This is not good considering that it is approximately 3″x4″, and it could literally be anywhere (I’d appreciate it if you would check your sofa cushions if its not too much of an impostion)  CL if you don’t mind could you send me the post titles we went over that day in the ICC chat?  I know the title for 3 and I know what I want to talk about in 4 but #2 escapes me now…

Anyway kids, time for sleep, maybe the rest will come to me in a dream.